:/

What is it?

Its always this way. I dont know how to express myself, but i suppose i can tell myself its ok until it really is. 

What is it? What is it? What the fuck is it?

I dont know. Its just a mess of whirls. All over. Give me a break from life. Just be there. Just be there now. Maybe you can keep anger till later. 

Im sorry im me. 

Word

Thank you

And sorry

29.9.2013

27.10.2013

Always in my heart. 

Stuck in the moment

There's just so much we can say despite there being much more to what we feel. Every time i thought thats the last i'll cry or think of you, the next tear comes flooding out my vision and another flashback of how you'll hold my face and look at me. 

Why wouldnt things work out? Why cant we choose who we love? Why cant i just go away from everything thats putting me in so much dilemma?

Maybe there was more than a few instances when we thought things will take a turn for the better. But it never did. Or maybe it did. 

Sigh

Cause ever since i first cried in front of you and you hugged me, i always thought you will be the one holding me despite anything that comes may. But we drifted. Subsequently you got sick and tired of being there, of handling my emotions, of me as a whole. I learn to distant myself too. To not put so much emotions into you.

I need closure. 

End is imminent

Lets hope the best for each other, where comfort ensues. 

Keep going

I could write a thousand words. But nah, not today. 

It's so tiring. 

Eye of the Tiger

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

Katy Perry's "Roar"

Settling/reaching

What if I am going to taste caviar and I'll never like catfishes again?

This.

Pocket full of Sunshine

Friday nights and assignments.

I wish I can just concentrate on studying and not care about anything else.

Love my red hair, but I think I'm going purple in November.

No particular reason.

Been hearing a lot of "wow you look slimmer" and "did you lose weight?" these days

Eating clean and exercising more regularly does help :)

Happy to know I'd be in bodycon dresses soonish

That's sort of fabulous to hear for someone who's never exactly been fit

At least not recently

Till the next time

xx

Random things again

Random things you might want to know about me:

I dont like Vitagen. It tastes like fake Yakult. I love Yakult.

If I can, I would have a chef to prepare Paleo diet for me all day every day!

R8, R8, R8.
The new V10 engine ....plain wow.

Hitting up clubs, binge drinking etc, not my thing anymore.
Grown up and probably not the wild child anymore.
Once in awhile wouldnt hurt but I'd rather be in the quiet corner enjoying the breeze somewhere else.

No smoking, no gambling.
Worst things ever.
Unless you have all the money in the world to squander, if not, I'd rather you donate your money to needy people.

Gonna be the best of myself.
22 years gone by. Its time.

the end

the world is your oyster.
wear your heart on your sleeves.
lose your senses.

Just keep telling yourself

You can do it, and eventually you can. YOU CAN

its 12:57:38 on my clock and i really wanna just cry and say sorry to everyone.
I dont want to torture myself through all the things i dont want to do anymore.
i dont want to live a future which i dont see myself being happy about, and i really really just wanna stay 22 forever.

work due soon and i really can't really catch up with the pace.

if you ask me what i'd rather be doing:
-skinny dipping in the dark
-or maybe just swimming
-blasting loud music like i am doing now
-sit down and cry
-ride a horse
-speak French to a random stranger
-count the stars
-play a trumpet (yes i know......)


this is so frustrating >:,(

kjnkrbkfbekrf
be right back, pulling hair.

Progress!

Gotta keep it up!

I dont need abs but i wanna lose those chubs chubs. 

Getting whipped?

Lets go again!

PAIN NOW GAIN LATER 

pump it! 

表达

在每分每秒，思想都被你侵略。在脑海里的声音怎么比周围的吵杂声更近呢？

好像热恋的亲人，像最佳的朋友，像夏天七彩斑斓的花朵。像刚黎明的小岛，像刚学会飞翔的小小鸟，像冬天里的热巧克力。

In the flurry world of messiness, we seek serenity in the one most worthy of our never ending hugs and kisses. 

Unlike the flowers which comes and goes with seasons, we seek to blossom in every nanosecond plausible. 

Seeing you after a long day is like taking off all your skin tight clothes after a long day outside. Having us in each other's arms is like seeing the first snowflake melt after a whole year of winter; it only signify more good things to come along. 

You can choose to say "I love you" to anyone, but it takes more than just effort to make someone feel the "I love you".

i look at you

biggest middle finger ever

awarded to Microsoft Project/Openproj.

Damn son, data entry for 3 times cause Windows fuck my Mac up.
WINDOWS SUCK BALLZ.

Working extra hard to hope to clear it up by tonight.
Yes baby, thank you for staying up with me although i know you actually just wanna watch soccer hahaha.

BIGGEST MIDDO FINGGO nao werk it bish

i hate myself

i make everyone upset
i hate my family
i just dont ever do the right things

nothing has been right
nothing ever
fuck this whole thing about "life" and every shit its throwing around
i just wanna stop living forever
get away from everyone and maybe someday i can finally look myself in the eyes and say i can love myself

i wish i can just get seriously injured. and be start life anew. clean slate.

i cant handle anything anymore. its really too much. too much.

teeheehee

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME SOON

Materialistic girl in me says she wants a whole lot of frivolous stuff, including an entire haul from Taobao and a hard drive to back up the macbook and a Tiffany necklace and a spanking new iPad but actually........................

I just want to be happy.

The best things in life are free, but nevermind, if you cannot give me all the best things, you can also buy present for me HAHA.

#clevergirl

GO HERE GO HERE
http://hersheysmonster.blogspot.sg/2013/04/gotta-catch-em-all.html

再好再亲密都不能在一起

在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了 天晴朗了 我就走

我不要你心疼我

明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟

Innate

Everyone has some sort of innate emotions or actions they are prone to. Maybe yours is all about bullying me and making me hate myself. 

I wish you know how much your words/actions hurt. Especially when its over trivial things. 

Like that

I love you like that :)

Tucking me in to sleep when i am too tired to respond to anything or i just knock out while using the computer/phone. 

Checking if i have fever when you and i are both sleeping cause of my wisdom tooth ache. 

Trying to steal my baby bolster but failing :p

Saving up bit by bit and accomplishing things :)

Exploring unknown places of singapore together and holding our hands walking through all the weird streets

Eating soooo many food and being so full we feel like a balloon! (We are balloons :/)

Planning out greater things in life :D

Catching cheap thrills from the claw machine when we obviously dont really need soft toys but i want it so bad

Planning out our next holiday(sssss)

I love us like that :)

Cant you see

从头到尾，我都愿意为你放弃一切。什么都不要。你真的要走吗？

Turning my back against everything i want for myself, i chose you over every exhaustible option. But here we are again. I wish i could fight harder. So hard it pains you to see me hurt. So hard it'll make you stay and love me again like you used to. So hard i will be alive again. I miss you. And i miss me. 

🔨🔩🔧life under construction... Be back soon...

Lets try

To the last bit of my breath, i still want to try. I want to make sure the man i fell for would be the man i fell out of. No changes to him, just my own problem. 

I dont know if i will ever be okay if this doesnt work out again. Been broken too many times. Sometimes i feel like i can take on all the challenges someone up there is throwing at me, but other times, i just feel like a total wreck. 

Given my possibly unlovable self, perhaps i am not worthy of respect from others, nor do i deserve to be with other people. 

I just wish i hadnt had feelings. Maybe if you told me you dont want me anymore, things would be more straightforward. 

I'd be like "cool, thanks for your company these months" and off i go. 

But i love you. I loved you. I feel that i gave up on many things just to love you. I dont want all the things and sacrifices we made to be in vain. I believe you might make a good daddy to my babies, or maybe a good husband to me (well, at least from what you say you would do). 

Maybe not now, but in time to come. 

Why do i still yearn for you hug when i feel down? I dont know. I really feel like someone who you've played with enough and decided youre sick of. No more intimate moments, no more long talks, no more pillow talks, no more "i wait for you end tuition", no more "lets eat in, youd be the chef and i will wash up", no more ... Am i really expecting more?

Each time you hurt me i feel like im dying a little more inside. Fuck all the cheerful bullshit ive been trying to show. Fuck all the one way messages i try to send. Fuck myself. Fuck the world. Fuck life. 

If this isnt working out, i'll just work hard and be an escort. Good money, and i have no one else who cares, right? 

Night world. Night sanity. Night to the little children who are denied of a chance to see the world. Night night. 

F5!

Blogged a sad entry about feeling unattractive and stuff, but decided to keep it as a draft instead. 

I'm young, I have more than you can offer, and I have no lack of suitors. For the millionth time, I am the ALL THAT. Perfect skin, perfect teeth, nice hair, dimples, big eyes and everything I will ever want in myself. Most of all - smart. Really, I am very narcissistic. More than i can accept. But how can i not accept myself? #peptalk #bitchy #gross, but .... #whatever ^^

People give up putting in effort cause they think they got you in their arms. That's when i like to prove otherwise. Just so this person seems to be in your arms now, they are probably there because of the person you show you can be when you are going after her. Keep it up boy, else you're gonna be nothing more than "one of em'". 

Why would you change? For the worse and all. Maybe that was who you were. Admittedly, i am a bad girlfriend. I am possessive, overly sticky, emotional, and maybe even hard to please. Cause i am a hopeless romantic. I still believe in this weird tingly feeling i get when someone tells me something sweet about "love" and all its variations. I love to watch passionate movies, watch people indulge in the blissful company of each other, and utter sweet nothings to each other all day. 

Twilight is the perfect setting. I would be Bella if there is an Edward for me. I know i sound absolutely disgusting but i am really the kind who gives up everything to be with someone else. Yea it might not be worth it at the end of the day, but YOLO! Why keep these things for tomorrow? Who knows if the next one's gonna be better? 

For now, i will just wish for my Edward to appear and maybe we can live happily ever after. And he can make me feel protected and I can feel like Bella. 

Oh Edward, how can i miss you when i might not even have met you before? :)

Value

在有眼泪的雨里
哪里都是你
抱紧你是我逃离的距离
太拥挤 我在你的世界里
看不清楚的是你还是自己
我们都在等雨停

Chances are, everyone's gonna make you angry/sad/negative/hurt you and make you feel less about yourself. 

Truth is, you gotta get up on your feet and pry open your eyes and heart. Learn to see with clarity. Hear what your heart says. Give up on people who are not worth it. Let yourself live a little. 

Find the value of people. And only let those who are worth it linger. 

In the end, I found only myself left. Not sure about you, but you can try. 

Invalid

How can you ask for someone to be patient when you dont even have a tinsel of tolerance, let alone patience for her?

How can you claim to love someone and yet act so heartlessly cruel to spew words of insult and disrespect to make her feel less than zero?

How can you. Of all people. Choose to hide things from her? 

I really dont know how long im going to stay sane for with all these repeatedly happening. I really wish i have to courage to just crash head down from a tall building or just slit open my fucking throat and see life seep out of my soul-less carcass. This feel worse than chewing on broken glass or having maggots devouring my insides. 

Help. 

Things you should know about me

Lefty by choice. Born a righty. 

Write with left, but master hand is still the right hand. Uses chopsticks with left hand. 

I like to drink with a straw than to kiss the cup/mug/glass/whatever

I have very low self esteem at time. Other times I'm just an arrogant fuck who thinks i'm ALL THAT.

I wanna go to Bali and tan naked in my resort next to the pool. And drink coconut. 

I always want to binge drink/take sleeping pill when i'm unhappy.

I don't handle my emotions well. 

I cry a lot. I think thats kinda weak. But it helps with the release of the stored emotions. 

Prefer tall boys. Who are older than me. 

I keep a mental list of people who told me they like me. And i always remember how they confess. 

I want an ipad. But I cant justify the need for it. 

So miserable

Do you know how much it hurts when the person who matters most to you treat you like you didn't matter?

I miss being happy. 

Be strong

Trying hard not to hear

But they talk so loud

Their piercing sounds fill my ears

Try to fill me with doubt

Yet I know that the goal

Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace

And in this world of loneliness

I see your face

Yet everyone around me

Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

Needs

Money cant buy us what we need. Not as in material needs, but emotional needs. 

Pretty much an oxymoron. But often, people cant understand it. Not too sure why, but i supposed some are blessed with all the things they ever need. 

I'm a lone ranger. I sometimes dislike company, especially bad ones. Or those which i feel are making use of me. But isnt that the essence of company? I make use of you and vice versa. Somehow i just dont like this feeling of people getting together for the sake of this. 

I wish i can survive alone, but i was built to be dependent. I really need listening ears sometimes, but its a total tragic to browse through the entire list and realise i dont have people i can talk to. 

Therefore, i need friends. I may not need to know who are you, nor do you need to know me well. We will just talk to each other, maintain the mystery, and keep each other sane. 

Hit me up,

huishi_@hotmail.com

If i find it comfortable enough, we can talk. Promise!

Sunday for the Outliers

Day started an inch before noon, and had to rush to the kid's place.

Teaching has always been something I love doing.

Be it music, or curriculum subjects, I always feel so unexplainably happy when I see these kids learn.

Of course, improvements are bonuses, but at the end of the day, what I see myself doing is influencing people.

Many might not agree/know, but an educator's like is all about Impacting.

You impart your knowledge to a sheep who lost its way in this paper chase world, one day the sheep might become a shepherd himself and thank you astronomically.

Went food-less till my body objected by shivering and threatening to 'force shutdown' with a bad giddy spell.

After battling with myself till I finally got home, fed myself with lots of Greenfield's and carbo, and now I feel like I need to shop so bad.

Haha, have you felt like you need to spend money to reward yourself after a long day at work?

I do feel like this more than I should, I feel. 

7pm, but the skies seem to habour a 12pm sun which refuses to go away.

My sunburnt favourite returned with a sun scorched face and I thought it looked kinda cute.

Flushed face and tanned skin. Always good for me.

Just 20 mins in the room, and when I stepped out, it seems like the 12pm sun decided to pull an MIA.

Skies turned mysteriously dark and I thought that was kind of beautiful.

Snuggling up to you now and for time to come.

Feels so good, so good.

Thank you for loving me :)

I am a petty ghost

I get angry at too many things too easily.

Time to take a separate stand and be easier on the anger!
This ain't no jokin' matter, yo

Breathe in breathe outttttttt

Had to say

First time I puked all over myself on the bus ride to work.
Freaking smelly and puke went inside my clothes and dried up.

Why can't I not be motion sick?

But so thankful for all the angels I've been meeting these days.
This Angel who sat opposite me was SO SO SO kind that he offered me tissue!
And the best thing is I PUKED ON HIM TOO omglol.
He didn't wipe himself first, and he still smiled at me! (with puke on himself!!!)
Seriously?

Another Angel I met was when I knocked out on the bus ride to work.
And everyone left me there, except for her.
"Hello, reach liao!" HEHE. So nice.

Okay, point to note. My bus ride typically takes about an hour to 1 hour 45 mins depending on the traffic.
So things that happen within this time period is really indescribable.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers, whoever you are.
I know I'm blessed in so many ways and I'm really grateful in every possible way too!

I do have pictures of puke on myself...but I think dont need upload la, too gross.
Too fucking gross.

stuck here

Puttin’ my defences up
‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I’d have a heart attack

Never put my love out on the line
Never said yes to the right guy
Never had trouble getting what I want
But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough

But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear high heels

Never break a sweat for the other guys
When you come around, I get paralyzed

I've been dying to ask

How are you?

Pitterpatter

Wanna wake up feeling lazy, have breakfast in bed, continue snuggling while listening to the steady rhythms of pitterpatter on the windows.

Wanna feel so relaxed, see us smile, feel the warmth, and have our hearts so intertwined that we are invincible.

Because "together" is my favourite word with you.

Gotta catch 'em all

Hi, I think I like you.

Go ahead and tell me its a want and not a need

BECAUSE U SOUND SO LOGICAL TO ME

I'm getting you on my neck, wait up!

the thing is

when you make a decision to move out, you dont go back crying when something goes wrong.
there would be no one you can turn to, no matter how much you want to call home and tell mummy someone's kicked your ass/face.

feels bad.
feels really bad.
yea, and you also wouldnt know whether all these giddiness, nausea, and heartburns are from your lack of food or from your sheer broken heartedness or maybe from your stomach flu you just sort of recovered from.

fighting myself, but for what?
i dont know why you can take things so easily, like i didnt mattered at all.
only when you start to lose, then you'd realise how good it was it have.
sometimes maybe 2 people arent meant to be together at all.
sometimes humans might be built to be alone. all alone.
because no one should be taking any bullshit from anyone else, and no one deserves any bullshit from anyone else.

stop crying and start smiling again.
now you've got what you always wants, why do you keep running away?
but what is it with me that now and then they like to hurl such hurtful actions at me?
first it was him, then came along was him, and when i thought this would be so different, i was proven wrong again.
all along i just needed one thing. from you or you or you, but it never came.
was it too much? perhaps.

sorry for not being the cheerful person you thought i was.
too broken to be that person again.
too scared to be happy, because once you start to have something, you are also starting to lose it.
lose...
i dont like losing.

tata world.
i dont wish for a less tortuous world, just a stronger me. each time, every time.

x

dont ever

because of somethings that happened in the past, i think it scarred me so badly that when you tried to walk away. sorry i turned psychotic.
its like my world shattered to pieces and oxygen becomes a poison de ultimatum.

i could only cry and cry and cry and hope you turn around because i cannot afford to lose the only person who sort of care for me :(

dont ever ever ever walk away.
there's only so many times i can be left all by myself.

i'm sorry i centered myself to revolve around you so much that every single hurtful thing you say become like blows to my heart and it drives me insane. and broken.
but it's fine.
because no one owes anyone anything.

and the truth is, everyone's gonna hurt you.
you just gotta find someone who's worth it.
too young to talk about forever, but now you have my all.

i dont mind if you cannot pamper me or shower me with attention or console me when i feel unhappy.
just be there for me alright?

(this is a joke because the "you" i'm addressing to never reads my blog. haha...)

Get back

When something makes you feel so down, the only way is to GET BACK.

Now stand up on your feet and tell yourself how much you want to be up there, cause you are now going there!
Yeah, pep talking.

Current need: Hard drive 1TB for my Mac, need it to back up all the files here. things loading up and feeling kinda scared man. what if one day everything just POOF? I'd paranoid attack and die. haha.

Current want: Isabel Marant wedged sneakers :( omg i want it so bad its driving me cray cray. Constantly searching for pictures of it etc. Damn.

Recently getting rather....poor. Not much disposable money to get all these luxuries. (yeah trying to be pitiful now) and its 12.32am into the next day, while i just had my first solid meal of the day.
Life's a struggle LOL where did i hear this from man.
Can't wait for my pay to come in. My poor days started when Dad asked for 500$ from my out of the blue. I dont earn a lot. So 500 was quite a huge blow to my bank balance. Now it's totally out of balance. hahaha 81cents in one of the accounts. pathetic or what.
school fees due in may or something. another big blow coming its way. 3k ....where do i find you :(

Looking forward to changes in life but meanwhile finding the need to rewind and relax.
Miss being able to drink/club, but now i'm so tied up i cant even think of such things. no time, no spare munnies. yeah, but the closest thing i have to it is blasting loud music through my ipod.
YE YE YE has fun all of your luxurious people.
Life's too good for you now.
I'm gonna live through this period like a loser and be a champion for the rest of my life.
I can and I will.

Lose that cake

No make up, no filter.
Need to lose weight, pronto.

Anyway, to those who believe that i deleted all my past entries, you're utterly wrong.
I saved them in my blog, just invisible to the public eye.

This blog doesn't paint a perfect life of mine too, i reverted upsetting entries to "Drafts".
No one can see my dark side, except for me. Hur..Hur...

Okay, really.
Gained so much weight to the extent of being to most heavy i've ever been in my life.
If people say love makes you fat, here i am.
for reallllll.
Y SO CHUBBY.
omg :(

Heard this song

How many times had the lyrics applied to you?

Maybe its the alcohol, it makes me wanna cry

Okay im a joke. But here goes:


烏雲遮蔽了天空　窗外又是陰雨時候
傘下的戀人中　不再有你我手牽手
一切過了太久

我們的十字路口　下一站是誰在等候
你我的方向盤　卻向著相反的彼岸
終點還是分開

告別你我離開之後　這回憶可以保留
當初那美好的感動
你說你記住了　不為彼此難過
過各自的生活

Oh baby　你答應我的我都記得
但是你卻忘了你的承諾
不是說好彼此都不再聯絡
誰都別再犯錯

是我的固執讓你難過
但是分手卻也無法選擇
我走了以後　你要好好生活
不要想我　也別再哭了

What if it's still 2010?

There was a thing called "Finding my way back..." sometime ago.
Someone told me it will be deleted, but out of this anonymous surge of emotions, I went to type in the address ....poof. 
There I was, reading back at each and every post.

What if it's still 2010?
I would still have been taking A levels and life is probably much simpler.

It's all about studying - no need for work, no need for part time jobs, no need to worry about parental expectations of contributing to the household.

Of course, through all these, I grew.
Just wished that we were still talking.
Be it good, be it bad.

Reading how much I could have felt for a person at a point of time, it scares me to how much I am feeling for Baby now.
What if one day he decides to just walk out of my mess and leave me to lurch again?
What would I be left with?

I cannot stomach all these over and over again, y'know?

But if you know me well, you would probably know I'm the best liar on Earth.
I'd never let anyone who is not close to me know about my real plight.
Even if they're close, I am used to painting portraits of deceit that shows the greatest myriad of bliss and everything good.

2013, be good.
Please.

Brimming with bliss

D'you know how blissful it is to just fill your mind with someone, and a smile comes on automatically?

With you

Or so they've said:

Saw this on facebook and thought it is probably what most male would think of in most circumstances.
Copied the whole chuck + I know he will agree to 18 and 19 the most!
Heh.

***


At last a guy has taken the time to write down this all Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind reader

2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys..

10. If something we said can be interpret in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

16. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear

17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games

18. You have enough clothes.

19. You have too many shoes.

20. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh. :-P

Inertia Ultimatum

Feeling like my gears are getting heavier and heavier.
Energy oozing out of every possible avenue whenever I'm awake.
I want to have a snuggly time with my amor aeturnus in bed, till what seems like 10 years later.

Night world x

Growing up

Luv you so much, little angel :)