the thing is

when you make a decision to move out, you dont go back crying when something goes wrong.
there would be no one you can turn to, no matter how much you want to call home and tell mummy someone's kicked your ass/face.

feels bad.
feels really bad.
yea, and you also wouldnt know whether all these giddiness, nausea, and heartburns are from your lack of food or from your sheer broken heartedness or maybe from your stomach flu you just sort of recovered from.

fighting myself, but for what?
i dont know why you can take things so easily, like i didnt mattered at all.
only when you start to lose, then you'd realise how good it was it have.
sometimes maybe 2 people arent meant to be together at all.
sometimes humans might be built to be alone. all alone.
because no one should be taking any bullshit from anyone else, and no one deserves any bullshit from anyone else.

stop crying and start smiling again.
now you've got what you always wants, why do you keep running away?
but what is it with me that now and then they like to hurl such hurtful actions at me?
first it was him, then came along was him, and when i thought this would be so different, i was proven wrong again.
all along i just needed one thing. from you or you or you, but it never came.
was it too much? perhaps.

sorry for not being the cheerful person you thought i was.
too broken to be that person again.
too scared to be happy, because once you start to have something, you are also starting to lose it.
lose...
i dont like losing.

tata world.
i dont wish for a less tortuous world, just a stronger me. each time, every time.

x