Nuffnang

Monday, July 15, 2013

Lets try

To the last bit of my breath, i still want to try. I want to make sure the man i fell for would be the man i fell out of. No changes to him, just my own problem. 


I dont know if i will ever be okay if this doesnt work out again. Been broken too many times. Sometimes i feel like i can take on all the challenges someone up there is throwing at me, but other times, i just feel like a total wreck. 

Given my possibly unlovable self, perhaps i am not worthy of respect from others, nor do i deserve to be with other people. 

I just wish i hadnt had feelings. Maybe if you told me you dont want me anymore, things would be more straightforward. 

I'd be like "cool, thanks for your company these months" and off i go. 

But i love you. I loved you. I feel that i gave up on many things just to love you. I dont want all the things and sacrifices we made to be in vain. I believe you might make a good daddy to my babies, or maybe a good husband to me (well, at least from what you say you would do). 

Maybe not now, but in time to come. 

Why do i still yearn for you hug when i feel down? I dont know. I really feel like someone who you've played with enough and decided youre sick of. No more intimate moments, no more long talks, no more pillow talks, no more "i wait for you end tuition", no more "lets eat in, youd be the chef and i will wash up", no more ... Am i really expecting more?

Each time you hurt me i feel like im dying a little more inside. Fuck all the cheerful bullshit ive been trying to show. Fuck all the one way messages i try to send. Fuck myself. Fuck the world. Fuck life. 

If this isnt working out, i'll just work hard and be an escort. Good money, and i have no one else who cares, right? 

Night world. Night sanity. Night to the little children who are denied of a chance to see the world. Night night. 

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