the thing is

when you make a decision to move out, you dont go back crying when something goes wrong.
there would be no one you can turn to, no matter how much you want to call home and tell mummy someone's kicked your ass/face.

feels bad.
feels really bad.
yea, and you also wouldnt know whether all these giddiness, nausea, and heartburns are from your lack of food or from your sheer broken heartedness or maybe from your stomach flu you just sort of recovered from.

fighting myself, but for what?
i dont know why you can take things so easily, like i didnt mattered at all.
only when you start to lose, then you'd realise how good it was it have.
sometimes maybe 2 people arent meant to be together at all.
sometimes humans might be built to be alone. all alone.
because no one should be taking any bullshit from anyone else, and no one deserves any bullshit from anyone else.

stop crying and start smiling again.
now you've got what you always wants, why do you keep running away?
but what is it with me that now and then they like to hurl such hurtful actions at me?
first it was him, then came along was him, and when i thought this would be so different, i was proven wrong again.
all along i just needed one thing. from you or you or you, but it never came.
was it too much? perhaps.

sorry for not being the cheerful person you thought i was.
too broken to be that person again.
too scared to be happy, because once you start to have something, you are also starting to lose it.
lose...
i dont like losing.

tata world.
i dont wish for a less tortuous world, just a stronger me. each time, every time.

x

dont ever

because of somethings that happened in the past, i think it scarred me so badly that when you tried to walk away. sorry i turned psychotic.
its like my world shattered to pieces and oxygen becomes a poison de ultimatum.

i could only cry and cry and cry and hope you turn around because i cannot afford to lose the only person who sort of care for me :(

dont ever ever ever walk away.
there's only so many times i can be left all by myself.

i'm sorry i centered myself to revolve around you so much that every single hurtful thing you say become like blows to my heart and it drives me insane. and broken.
but it's fine.
because no one owes anyone anything.

and the truth is, everyone's gonna hurt you.
you just gotta find someone who's worth it.
too young to talk about forever, but now you have my all.

i dont mind if you cannot pamper me or shower me with attention or console me when i feel unhappy.
just be there for me alright?

(this is a joke because the "you" i'm addressing to never reads my blog. haha...)

Get back

When something makes you feel so down, the only way is to GET BACK.

Now stand up on your feet and tell yourself how much you want to be up there, cause you are now going there!
Yeah, pep talking.

Current need: Hard drive 1TB for my Mac, need it to back up all the files here. things loading up and feeling kinda scared man. what if one day everything just POOF? I'd paranoid attack and die. haha.

Current want: Isabel Marant wedged sneakers :( omg i want it so bad its driving me cray cray. Constantly searching for pictures of it etc. Damn.

Recently getting rather....poor. Not much disposable money to get all these luxuries. (yeah trying to be pitiful now) and its 12.32am into the next day, while i just had my first solid meal of the day.
Life's a struggle LOL where did i hear this from man.
Can't wait for my pay to come in. My poor days started when Dad asked for 500$ from my out of the blue. I dont earn a lot. So 500 was quite a huge blow to my bank balance. Now it's totally out of balance. hahaha 81cents in one of the accounts. pathetic or what.
school fees due in may or something. another big blow coming its way. 3k ....where do i find you :(

Looking forward to changes in life but meanwhile finding the need to rewind and relax.
Miss being able to drink/club, but now i'm so tied up i cant even think of such things. no time, no spare munnies. yeah, but the closest thing i have to it is blasting loud music through my ipod.
YE YE YE has fun all of your luxurious people.
Life's too good for you now.
I'm gonna live through this period like a loser and be a champion for the rest of my life.
I can and I will.

Lose that cake

No make up, no filter.
Need to lose weight, pronto.

Anyway, to those who believe that i deleted all my past entries, you're utterly wrong.
I saved them in my blog, just invisible to the public eye.

This blog doesn't paint a perfect life of mine too, i reverted upsetting entries to "Drafts".
No one can see my dark side, except for me. Hur..Hur...

Okay, really.
Gained so much weight to the extent of being to most heavy i've ever been in my life.
If people say love makes you fat, here i am.
for reallllll.
Y SO CHUBBY.
omg :(

Heard this song

How many times had the lyrics applied to you?

Maybe its the alcohol, it makes me wanna cry

Okay im a joke. But here goes:


烏雲遮蔽了天空　窗外又是陰雨時候
傘下的戀人中　不再有你我手牽手
一切過了太久

我們的十字路口　下一站是誰在等候
你我的方向盤　卻向著相反的彼岸
終點還是分開

告別你我離開之後　這回憶可以保留
當初那美好的感動
你說你記住了　不為彼此難過
過各自的生活

Oh baby　你答應我的我都記得
但是你卻忘了你的承諾
不是說好彼此都不再聯絡
誰都別再犯錯

是我的固執讓你難過
但是分手卻也無法選擇
我走了以後　你要好好生活
不要想我　也別再哭了