Firsts

There's always a first.

First time I got so angry that I punched the wall. So hard my fists were bruised for a week. And there's still a hurting lump on one of the areas.

First time I sat at a playground wishing for it to rain. For I could maybe fall sick and have a good sleep. Maybe I can catch a cold bug or have burning fever so high it makes the world make sense again.

First time I down cider so quick that I didn't mind the brain freeze. I don't think I even felt it. But the awkward moment when the second bottle was going down, mega regurgitate. It felt so terrible. So, so terrible.

First time I puked till I see bright orbs. I thought maybe I could have been drunk. But all these orbs they seem so beautiful. Like little blitz of gems wandering around my eyes, blocking out what was in front of me. For a while.

First time I want to do so much for anyone. I want to have your heart filled with so much love it explodes. I want to have your stomach filled with so much of my personally prepared meals it warms your soul. I want to have you so happily satisfied you feel like you're on top of the world.

First time I get so angry I could have bitten through my own flesh. Ended up with a painful bruise again, but not like it would matter.

First time I disregard myself. Not even placing myself on any consideration. Given my narcissistic nature, this should be of absolute rarity. But yeah, somehow I managed to unconsciously demote myself.

First time my tummy hurts so bad and as I sat there wondering, puke keep forcing its way out. My toes freezing, heart broken and head's a total whirl. I swallow. I swallow my pride and every nano particle of negativity because I cannot imagine a day without you. I don't ever want to be left there all by myself again. It hurts too bad. I'd rather be a loser to the whole world than to risk losing an centimetre of you.

First time. I don't know how to deal with a quarrel/a fight. Never good at those, but with you I never want to win. I'd rather you be happy. Forever.

Here, now, and eons to go

Picture of you
Picture of me
Hung up on the wall for the world to see

Hey, you like Raisins?

How about Dates?

Love dating you, over and over.

Our matching Barca jersey :D

Purple together!

And attending occasions with me despite you hating it

I know I know, hard on you alright :)

A day at Jurong Point ......our favourite place.

Ever.

♥amor aeternus♥

Planning up a million more events in my mind, just for you.

I know I am scary, stalking you and all, but I don't mean to scare you.

Nothing fazes you, right?
:)

Can't stand how much I love to disturb you from everything you're doing.

When you walk leftrightleftright, 

I wanna make you walk rightleftrightleft.

When you're breathing inoutinout, 

I wanna make you breathe ininoutout.

When you're happily snoring in your sleep, 

I wanna snuggle up to you and orchestrate your 'music'.

When you're watching soccer/ancient Chinese movies, 

I would inadvertently have weird things to talk to you about. 

When you're with me, I want you to feel like you are the happiest you've ever been.

When you're not with me, I want you to want to be with me, LOL.

Too bad, you said you love me as I am.

Everyone has a past, and similarly, a future.

Never will I look back, or maybe I would. 

But only for the things that made me know what I really want to pursue.

My future is now clear with images of us, and let's work towards that!

Some tell me that I should have never left those rich dudes, 

I wish they knew happiness can never be bought. 

Same goes to love.

Yes, there was love. 

Or maybe there wasn't.

When someone pushes you all the way to the brim, 

you just want to get even. 

That's not love for sure.

That's twisted.

And dark.

If you have all the riches, but you ain't got no brains to keep them comings, 

that's poverty.

If you live in rags but you're always improving yourself and working hard, 

now that's wealth.

Not like I am always working hard, nor am I constantly improving myself.

But all I have to say is: 

I tried.

Failed my TP for the 3rd time, spending about $2000 on driving to be convinced that I don't want to face the tragedy of failing again, 

I moved on.

Just like I did for some people in my life.

Having invested so much efforts and time, to the extent that for the group of persons, 

you worn out so badly that you feel like you're going against yourself 

each time you have a thought for someone like them.

Mentally exhausting, even if it was just a flashback.

Slowly, I don't even know how it was like to be with that person.

I moved on; through and through.

That, of course, took so much courage and psychological training.

How to have downed so much alcohol and still know enough that things would never work out.

Silly was I.

But I learnt.
You made me learn how to love myself
and how fortunate it is to have someone loving me back in equivalent magnitude

I've also learnt:

How to be so happy with my current life that nothing ever matters.

How to talk about things that happened in the past so nonchalantly that I pleasantly surprise myself.

How to allow myself to fall in love with a new adventurer who ventured into my sacred grounds.

How to make myself so spiritually (erm, yes) connected to someone like you.

Thanks for allowing all these to happen.
And most importantly, you made me realize

How to magically make all the hurt disappear, 
when you just simply hold me in your arms.

No matter how many hurtful stuff you may spew upon me,

No matter how many times you have doubts about us,

No matter how many 2 edged swords you've held against me and hurt yourself with,

I find myself falling into a seemingly bottomless abyss.

Not getting out, and not able to get out.

Yes, I am pretty intellectually challenged when it comes to you.

I'm not big on religion, but I thank God for every inch of you.

You're more than a blessing, 

my Lin Rixian (aka my Donnie Yen).

Love you so!

Yes, we're official (or so I've decided, for us).

♥

“A ship in harbor is safe— but that is not what ships are for.” – John A. Shedd
Through the storms, we'll see even more beautiful rainbows.
Lets sail forward, to infinity and beyond!

I want you!

I seldom ever have things I want but I don't bear to part with the money.

Meaning to say, I'm kind of a spendthrift.

But this time I'm stuck with this pretty bunny brushes :(!!!

Its a "want" but I want it so bad I keep finding myself returning to the website just to look at it and read the description over and over again.

Sigma brushes, why you so pretty and so good!

I want I want I want

$133 @ luxola

Credits: http://www.luxola.com/products/sigma-beauty-mrs-bunny-essential-kit?no_truncate=true

Little angel

Grown so fast!

Flashbacks

Of all your different faces. Makes me smile and makes me tear. Why do I miss you so much?

Go outside and catch some rain, those that you catch is how much you love me. Those that you don't? That's how much I love you.
<3

V

:)

"I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they’re not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake, and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home."

"I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. I vow to love you. And no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other."

I don't know about you, but here I am.
Guns given to you, fully loaded. And again, I'll trust you not to pull the trigger.

That's me

When i know there's something that can hurt me, be it a bad memory or a haunting past, i'd keep revisiting it till it turns numb.

Akin to having a wound. I'd rather keep scratching on the raw wound than to allow the scab to itch later. That's me. Of course i know that the wound won't heal without the scab, i just don't want to be caught by surprise. I'd rather i hurt myself than to have other people do so.

Happiness is a choice, but some choose to be miserable.

Update

Recent phone photos are all baby T's. why so cute my niece! And one of my better looking photo. Ikr!

French

So cute :) hello toto!

You can cheat and you can lie

But you can never escape.

***

Been sleeping at 430 and 3 odd for the past few days. Feels as though I was able to steal additional time into my life beyond the typical 24 hours every one else has.

Doesn't it feel good to live life a little fuller than everyone else? ☺

Lost world

Took 106. Over slept. Took a bus back to SP. Realised that lessons was actually supposed to be at SIM. Waited for a cab. Lesson starts at 7. It's 7:10 and I just got up a cab.

Super damn angry and caught in a seemingly endless jam. I hate this shit. How many times do I have to lose my way?!

Cygnet

Someone called me an ugly duckling. I don't deny.

Not saying I'm a swan, but I don't think I'm anything less either. Because you love me no less either way :)

X

Happy birthday!

For the 21st time!
Remained sober, no clubbing, no shisha, nothing that is "badass" or "cool".
Happy 21st, to the girl who thinks she's grown up :)

I hate seeing you sad

Pencil: I'm sorry.... 

Eraser: For what? You didn't do anything wrong. 

Pencil: I'm sorry cos you get hurt b'cos of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time. 

Eraser: That's true. But I don't really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I'll be gone and you'll replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad. :)

Found this.
I wanna be your eraser, maybe not forever (cause I'd wear out), but for as long as can be.
♥

Sweetness part II:

男：相信我，我会让你成为世界上第二幸福的人。 
女：为什么不是第一呢？
男：有了你，我就是最幸福的人....♥ 

Giving someone your time is the most sincere gift you can ever give.
A part of you had been handed to them and its something you can never ever take back.

Feeling like a marshmallow today.
With rainbow sprinkles.

♥

?

So painful/empty at the same time. I feel like just seriously ending everything I ever had. Now and here.

There she goes

Watching videos on wedding proposals because i need to let it out.
everyone has excess tears sometimes right?

wedding proposals never fail to make me cry. all the time.
i mean, its already hard to find someone who loves you, let alone, love you forever.

forever.

people love for the wrong reasons.
they think they know you, but in actual fact maybe not too much.
so many other factors to consider. but maybe i'm a fool. because i still believe in "us".

watched Xiaxue's wedding proposal on clicknetwork.
her words.....speaks my heart.
not an exact quote, but something that goes:
"before i met him,  never knew someone could love me. i'm so foul mouthed and all. but he does"
"very much" her husband added.

really fortunate.
i wish i can too.

you chose to struggle.
you chose to give up.
you chose to leave. again. and again.

at the end of the day, it's not about what i had/what i once thought i had. its about what i have.
and almost always, it amount to nothing.
any idea how much it pains each time you build up wall, let someone break through all of it, and you have to build up the wall again. brick by brick. so freaking painful but it happens.

i guess i'd never learn.

never knew i could hate myself so much.
really.

Apt

"Yeah those guys wanna come treat you right
'Cause you're sweeter than apple pie
Everything that you want you got
Girl you know that you need to stop
Most beautiful thing in sight
Always taking on the spotlight
Always in the club looking hot
Girl you know that you need to stop"

Half of my heart

"half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time"

Nah, my frown face and my new favourite Peter pan collar dress

They say

I should learn how to love myself. I do!

First ever!

Performance at Esplanade.

Loving it in every sense. Trumpeter for life (Y)

Work time fun

Doesn't it feel good to feel cared for? Sometimes I get engulfed in so much guilt that I cannot bring me to be nice to myself. Ironically this kinda is the case. But in any case, I can't be more thankful for these angels in my life now <3

Chubby wubby

Eye bags and dark eye circles. Cause I'm only human after all.

뽀뽀 요?

If you haven't

Get sick, maybe you never ever will

Too young

Too young to talk about forever. But I thank you for the 'now'.
For bringing me eternal rainbow after the rain :) couldn't be more thankful!