Firsts

There's always a first.

First time I got so angry that I punched the wall. So hard my fists were bruised for a week. And there's still a hurting lump on one of the areas.

First time I sat at a playground wishing for it to rain. For I could maybe fall sick and have a good sleep. Maybe I can catch a cold bug or have burning fever so high it makes the world make sense again.

First time I down cider so quick that I didn't mind the brain freeze. I don't think I even felt it. But the awkward moment when the second bottle was going down, mega regurgitate. It felt so terrible. So, so terrible.

First time I puked till I see bright orbs. I thought maybe I could have been drunk. But all these orbs they seem so beautiful. Like little blitz of gems wandering around my eyes, blocking out what was in front of me. For a while.

First time I want to do so much for anyone. I want to have your heart filled with so much love it explodes. I want to have your stomach filled with so much of my personally prepared meals it warms your soul. I want to have you so happily satisfied you feel like you're on top of the world.

First time I get so angry I could have bitten through my own flesh. Ended up with a painful bruise again, but not like it would matter.

First time I disregard myself. Not even placing myself on any consideration. Given my narcissistic nature, this should be of absolute rarity. But yeah, somehow I managed to unconsciously demote myself.

First time my tummy hurts so bad and as I sat there wondering, puke keep forcing its way out. My toes freezing, heart broken and head's a total whirl. I swallow. I swallow my pride and every nano particle of negativity because I cannot imagine a day without you. I don't ever want to be left there all by myself again. It hurts too bad. I'd rather be a loser to the whole world than to risk losing an centimetre of you.

First time. I don't know how to deal with a quarrel/a fight. Never good at those, but with you I never want to win. I'd rather you be happy. Forever.