Firsts

There's always a first.

First time I got so angry that I punched the wall. So hard my fists were bruised for a week. And there's still a hurting lump on one of the areas.

First time I sat at a playground wishing for it to rain. For I could maybe fall sick and have a good sleep. Maybe I can catch a cold bug or have burning fever so high it makes the world make sense again.

First time I down cider so quick that I didn't mind the brain freeze. I don't think I even felt it. But the awkward moment when the second bottle was going down, mega regurgitate. It felt so terrible. So, so terrible.

First time I puked till I see bright orbs. I thought maybe I could have been drunk. But all these orbs they seem so beautiful. Like little blitz of gems wandering around my eyes, blocking out what was in front of me. For a while.

First time I want to do so much for anyone. I want to have your heart filled with so much love it explodes. I want to have your stomach filled with so much of my personally prepared meals it warms your soul. I want to have you so happily satisfied you feel like you're on top of the world.

First time I get so angry I could have bitten through my own flesh. Ended up with a painful bruise again, but not like it would matter.

First time I disregard myself. Not even placing myself on any consideration. Given my narcissistic nature, this should be of absolute rarity. But yeah, somehow I managed to unconsciously demote myself.

First time my tummy hurts so bad and as I sat there wondering, puke keep forcing its way out. My toes freezing, heart broken and head's a total whirl. I swallow. I swallow my pride and every nano particle of negativity because I cannot imagine a day without you. I don't ever want to be left there all by myself again. It hurts too bad. I'd rather be a loser to the whole world than to risk losing an centimetre of you.

First time. I don't know how to deal with a quarrel/a fight. Never good at those, but with you I never want to win. I'd rather you be happy. Forever.

Here, now, and eons to go

Picture of you
Picture of me
Hung up on the wall for the world to see

Hey, you like Raisins?

How about Dates?

Love dating you, over and over.

Our matching Barca jersey :D

Purple together!

And attending occasions with me despite you hating it

I know I know, hard on you alright :)

A day at Jurong Point ......our favourite place.

Ever.

♥amor aeternus♥

Planning up a million more events in my mind, just for you.

I know I am scary, stalking you and all, but I don't mean to scare you.

Nothing fazes you, right?
:)

Can't stand how much I love to disturb you from everything you're doing.

When you walk leftrightleftright, 

I wanna make you walk rightleftrightleft.

When you're breathing inoutinout, 

I wanna make you breathe ininoutout.

When you're happily snoring in your sleep, 

I wanna snuggle up to you and orchestrate your 'music'.

When you're watching soccer/ancient Chinese movies, 

I would inadvertently have weird things to talk to you about. 

When you're with me, I want you to feel like you are the happiest you've ever been.

When you're not with me, I want you to want to be with me, LOL.

Too bad, you said you love me as I am.

Everyone has a past, and similarly, a future.

Never will I look back, or maybe I would. 

But only for the things that made me know what I really want to pursue.

My future is now clear with images of us, and let's work towards that!

Some tell me that I should have never left those rich dudes, 

I wish they knew happiness can never be bought. 

Same goes to love.

Yes, there was love. 

Or maybe there wasn't.

When someone pushes you all the way to the brim, 

you just want to get even. 

That's not love for sure.

That's twisted.

And dark.

If you have all the riches, but you ain't got no brains to keep them comings, 

that's poverty.

If you live in rags but you're always improving yourself and working hard, 

now that's wealth.

Not like I am always working hard, nor am I constantly improving myself.

But all I have to say is: 

I tried.

Failed my TP for the 3rd time, spending about $2000 on driving to be convinced that I don't want to face the tragedy of failing again, 

I moved on.

Just like I did for some people in my life.

Having invested so much efforts and time, to the extent that for the group of persons, 

you worn out so badly that you feel like you're going against yourself 

each time you have a thought for someone like them.

Mentally exhausting, even if it was just a flashback.

Slowly, I don't even know how it was like to be with that person.

I moved on; through and through.

That, of course, took so much courage and psychological training.

How to have downed so much alcohol and still know enough that things would never work out.

Silly was I.

But I learnt.
You made me learn how to love myself
and how fortunate it is to have someone loving me back in equivalent magnitude

I've also learnt:

How to be so happy with my current life that nothing ever matters.

How to talk about things that happened in the past so nonchalantly that I pleasantly surprise myself.

How to allow myself to fall in love with a new adventurer who ventured into my sacred grounds.

How to make myself so spiritually (erm, yes) connected to someone like you.

Thanks for allowing all these to happen.
And most importantly, you made me realize

How to magically make all the hurt disappear, 
when you just simply hold me in your arms.

No matter how many hurtful stuff you may spew upon me,

No matter how many times you have doubts about us,

No matter how many 2 edged swords you've held against me and hurt yourself with,

I find myself falling into a seemingly bottomless abyss.

Not getting out, and not able to get out.

Yes, I am pretty intellectually challenged when it comes to you.

I'm not big on religion, but I thank God for every inch of you.

You're more than a blessing, 

my Lin Rixian (aka my Donnie Yen).

Love you so!

Yes, we're official (or so I've decided, for us).

♥

“A ship in harbor is safe— but that is not what ships are for.” – John A. Shedd
Through the storms, we'll see even more beautiful rainbows.
Lets sail forward, to infinity and beyond!